feeling all the things

There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I felt nothing at all. I knew the lack emotion should have been concerning, I should have been scared as hell that I wasn't feeling anything.

The thing was, I was beyond the place where I could even care about caring.

It should have been terrifying.

Now I long for it. I thought feeling nothing had to be the worst thing, but I was wrong. Feeling everything is so much worse.

Since our ill-fated election I am seeing sides of people that I don't understand. People I have known most, if not my whole life. People I share blood with. There is bigotry pouring from their mouths and fingers. Their words are hateful and small-minded. And I feel sick. All the time. I spend every day on the verge of tears. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to feel all the things. I miss the days of darkness.

 Today, someone (whom I won't name) posted on facebook that if you raised your child to be afraid of things that are already happening , because they "aren't just since the election" then your kid is a wuss and should have his "ass whooped". How about maybe teaching your kids the value of empathy. Maybe teach them that hate crimes, done in anyone's name, are not okay. Maybe teach them to stand up to bullies instead of just spewing rhetoric about how there isn't a problem.

Maybe teach them to empathize with people, to accept all people as their peers. I am afraid. I said it. I am afraid that good friends and family of mine are going to be targets for hate crimes. Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Black, Mexican, Persian, Jewish, Muslims, Transgendered....I know and love people from each of these walks of life. They were always targets for hate crimes. Now, there seems to be understanding in recent weeks that it is OKAY to not only target, but to attack these people.

It's never okay.

How do I get past to bigotry, racism, and intolerance? Why should I have to?

My own mother asked me if my Iranian physician was a US citizen. One, what business is it of yours? And two, I'm going to go with pretty sure she would have to be to have an American medical license. And three, I don't care either way.

I miss not feeling anything. I miss not being able to feel hurt by people's words.


cards against humanity and why walmart sucks

The title should be fairly self explanatory. If it's not, allow me to enlighten you.

Recently my family's favorite party game, Cards Against Humanity, has been released for retail sale. I did a wobble neck double take while walking through Target. Was that....? Noooooo......YESSSS!!! Holy Cheesus, WHAT IS THAT DOING HERE!??! I was elated to see that not only was it available retail, but that Target had not inflated the pricing. Main game? $25. Expansions? $10. Perfectly accurate in accordance with CardsAgainstHumanity.com See: https://store.cardsagainsthumanity.com/

On Amazon? Perfectly accurate.


Then we come to Walmart that has been known for years for its shady business practise. Behold. Cards Against Humanity main game is $40.99. That is a 39% increase. SHADY AS FUCK.

That's it. I just needed to point out what complete assholes Walmart are. If you are planning on buying this game, GO ELSEWHERE. Don't feed the machine. Or the trolls. Or Mogwai after midnight.


sand fire

Something so utterly destructive should not be so beautiful.

first photo taken on auto, interesting flares from the city lights

This wasn't a real post, I just wanted to share some pictures.


suicide is not the answer

Last night a really bad thing happened. A dear friend tried to take her own life. She failed, and I am so grateful. But many others don’t fail.

So today I want to share something so incredibly important. Suicide hot lines. Suicide hot lines aren’t only for people dealing with suicide, did you know that? You can call day or night just to talk about whatever may be bothering you. Anger, depression, anxiety, abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, grief, and so much more. Many also have an online chat feature or text number if you feel like you can’t say it out loud.

Please, if you need help, or know someone that does, reach out. Talk. Be there. Pay attention. Get involved. Even if you're not hurting, educate yourself. Remind yourselves and your friends that they are loved, so much.
Below are links to a list of international suicide hot lines, American Hot lines, and Canadian Hot lines. Pass it on like wildfire, help stop the epidemic, stop the fear.

Thank you for being here. You are wanted.
Leave a message of encouragement below, we all need one sometimes.

or text “GO” TO 741741




goodbye beautiful girl

Wednesday afternoon we had to say goodbye to this beautiful girl.

Charlie was one month shy of her 9th birthday.

Charlie was adopted by my sister when she was just a baby (2007). When my sister, who also had an 8 month old boy, realized just how much work a dog that would grow to be Charlie's size was going to be, she asked me if I knew anyone that might want to adopt her. As it turned out, I did.

My mother in law had a soft spot for great danes. She quite willingly took Charlie when she was just 8 weeks old. When we delivered her to her new home, the little goofball promptly fell in the pool. Twice.

She was my mother in laws dog through and through. Due to a physical disability my mother in law wasn't able to take Charlie for training, so we did. She graduated top of her class. Charlie had a deep and abiding love of my husband and would have done anything he asked of her.

Around the age of 2 Charlie suffered what would be a life altering setback. She developed Wobbler's Syndrome. Wobbler's sounds made up, but it is a condition in which the spinal cord and nerves are compressed by malformed vertebrae. This can cause limb weakness, paralysis, loss of muscle mass, and pain. It looked like Charlie wouldn't make it her 3rd birthday.

Somehow, she persevered. She walked and played. She ran and romped. It was a doggie size miracle.

Then tragedy struck again. My mother in law suffered a series of strokes that landed her in the hospital, then a nursing home. She was barely the same person anymore. Charlie languished without her mommy. After an interminable 8 months my mother in law passed away in September of 2012.

My father in law, now living alone, never wanted a dog. Or any pets for that matter. He worked a lot and began neglecting Charlie. For the next 3 years Charlie spent far too much time outside alone, she had little contact or human stimulation. None of the rest of the family was able to take her in as our places of residence forbade it. We spent as much time with her as we were able, but noticed she was beginning to lose weight. My father in law had been feeding her cheap food that she had no interest in. Charlie had never been a heavy Dane, only ever weighing about 110 pounds, but it looked like she was wasting away. She developed an eye infection that he never even noticed, and the rest of took her to the vet. It was truly deplorable. My mother in law would have kicked his ass for treating her beloved dog like that.

During these three years, he also neglected a beautiful african gray parrot by not keeping the cage clean and feeding him the variety of food he required to maintain his health. Shadow had a stroke. My niece and I had to take him to the vet and make the decision to have him euthanized. I loved that bird and he loved me.

Fast forward. In 2014 my father in law met a new women. He kept her a secret from the family, even though we ALL wanted him to meet someone and move on with life.
His secret obsessive relationship with her affected us all. Mostly Charlie, as it meant he was home even less. He mostly moved in with new woman, even though he didn't tell anyone, leaving Charlie behind. After a WHILE he got he renter for his house, the renter actually took pretty good care of our girl. Charlie put some weight back on and seemed a bit happier. This in no way excuses his treatment of her.

In July of 2015, he married new woman. AND DIDN'T TELL HIS OWN SON. But that is a post for another day. We received a call stating that he was moving in 2 weeks and we had to find Charlie a new home or he was dropping her off at a shelter. Who does that? Charlie had never been socialized properly and didn't like other animals. No one was going to take an animal aggressive geriatric great dane with spinal issues. Not even dane rescues would take her. Our sweet girl had a bleak future.

My sister in law, whom I have often not seen eye to eye with, took Charlie in. Bringing her zoo total to 1 cat, 3 dogs, and 4 rabbits. Charlie finally had the life she deserved. She had a cushy bed in her own room, as much quality food as she could eat, blankets to snuggle in. She learned how to play fetch at 8 years old, she got regular baths and felt silky for the first time in years. My sister in law gave her a good life in what would ultimately end up being hospice care. For that I'll be forever grateful.

Over the past few weeks Charlie's Wobbler's got progressively worse. A family decision was made that if she was suffering, it was time. So on April 20th 2016, we took her in and had our beautiful girl euthanized. We gave her treats, she got lots of scritches and tons of kisses. We sat on the floor with her while she went to sleep, all of our hands petting her and our voices telling her she was a good girl.

I can only imagine how ecstatic she must have been to be with her mommy again. We're going to miss our beautiful girl. I'm going to miss her floppy ears and moose legs, her lopsided gallop and Wookie whine.

Have a better life, free of pain. We miss you.