happy to take his own life


Before you jump up and down on me for the title of this post, please read it through.

Last week a dear friend took his own life. I've been struggling with my own very selfish feelings regarding his decision.

Charlie had been my friend for over 20 years. We met in high school, but even then, at 14, he was different. He never seemed to be of this world. He never ever cared what people thought of him. He did exactly what made him happy. We laughed, he held my hand as I cried about one thing or another, we went to the symphony together, lay in the dark and watched the stars, spoke (what felt like endlessly) of bowel movements. He learned Esperanto and tried to teach us all. He explained things so bluntly that you wondered how it was so easy for him. He turned my necklace clasp around and instead of telling me to make a wish, he kissed me just because he wanted to.

During his college years Charlie had a very bad experience with LSD, with a trip lasting for upwards of a few weeks. It changed him. His behavior had all the hallmarks of an activated latent psychosis. He quit school, was homeless, was in and out of mental institutions, and did a short stint in jail when he was convicted of attempted kidnapping.

This is not the person I knew. My brilliant, talented, friend was now living a zero risk life. He would not take any form of transportation as it was considered too much of safety risk. He barely ate enough to keep himself alive, eschewing all forms of animal products. The things you consider parts of everyday life, he considered a risk. His behavior and mode of speech were erratic, his stories were alarming.

Most alarming of all were the constant suicide attempts.

He happily attempted to kill himself 5 times. It is what he wanted more than anything. To leave the meat suit behind and transcend to a higher spiritual plane. He wasn't suicidal because he was sad, there was no trauma in his life that he wished to escape. He wasn't trying to end it all because there was no other way out of some situation. He wanted it. He wanted to go to a place where other people didn't suffer. Where existence was free of peril.

On November 6th he got his wish. He planned carefully, including calculating dosages for maximum effectiveness. The use of anti-emetics so he wouldn't throw up said pills. Use of a laxative so his stomach contents would empty more quickly. And most horrifying, the use of a heavy plastic bag to reduce air supply.

How do I know these things? He posted a suicide not to his blog, complete with pictures. I haven't made it past the pictures.

I probably never will.

I will always miss my friend.

I don't know if I will ever be able to be happy for him. Though, I know it's what he would have wanted.

You never hear of someone who took their own life happily. It is always the tortured soul who sees no other way, who couldn't go on.

Dear friend, I hope you are where you'd hoped to be. I hope you are truly happy and existing without fear. Miss you.



I'm not sure why I started this blog.
I'm terrible at it.
So many things happen, recently it's been mostly bad things. I internalize them. Compartmentalize them. Let them seethe and fester and rot behind a great big wall.

Then the wall cracked.

A few years ago, when I wasn't looking, someone took my hand and told me that I was broken, and that it was okay. He helped me save myself.

Then he walked away from me and though there was now weak sunlight showing through my cracks, I couldn't see them. I could feel the damage and knew I could never repair it, so I stopped trying.

Then I lived in a space out of time. No concept of tomorrows, no reality that made sense.

People noticed.

So I struggled, tried to repair the cracks, to make the facade look like it always did. So when people walked by, no one stopped to examine the damage. But it would never look the same, be the same.

Then a woman took my hand, and held it through the darkness. She reminds me that I'll be okay. That the persistent voices in my head, that control me, are liars. She took my hand without ever knowing my name, without ever meeting me. She gave me a place to belong.

She tells us all that we matter. She makes us laugh with her and ache with her, and want to hold her hand when her world is dark.

We're going to be okay. And when we don't believe it, that's okay too.

One day soon it will be my honor to meet her in person. To hug her and tell her how much she matters to me. To all of us. So that one day, just maybe, I can repay the kindness she never knew she did for me.

Thank you Jenny


lost amongst the willows

down the shadow lane
tall willows all around
bars of light elusive
thin upon the ground
first foot follows last
skirting mossy holes
as like to break an ankle
going for a stroll
murky darkness thickens
seeping into breast
impossible to fight it
time to take a rest
weary under willows
not caring when they drip
eyes closed in defeat
slackening of grip
reality had floundered
slipped away unseen
screaming into shadows
with silence most obscene
brushing desolation
careless of the way
specter of vitality
a falsehood some would say
last foot follows first
disparate soul moves on
convincing in the sunlight
but she's already gone
tall willows all around
down the shadow lane


dear body, just stop it, okay?

As of tomorrow it will have been 27 weeks since a disc in my lower back herniated. That is 27 weeks of constant, sometimes unendurable, pain. Several trips to a doctor, a specialist, the emergency room, and more days than I even remember laying in bed crying because moving just hurt too much.......


I'm trying to get back being the normal me.
Trying to stop complaining so much.
Trying not to feel completely useless.

I hope that the rest of the year is better then the last 27 weeks.

If you would care to join my pity party, leave a comment about why your year has sucked.


snickerdoodle blondies

Also known as, "Dammit woman! Why have we never made these before??" And by 'we' he meant 'me'

Snickerdoodle blondies are like the secret love child of a snickerdoodle and a coffee cake raised in sin by a pan of brownies. For serious, go make these. You will not regret it.

Made with stuff I already had in my house, not having to go to the store was just a bonus. Bonus number two? These come together in about 10 minutes (maybe less) and are ready to eat from conception to fork in the pan in under 90 minutes. Unless of course YOU don't eat baked goods straight from the pan with your fingers a fork before they are perfectly cooled. In which case you'll have to wait a bit longer prude friend.

What you'll need:
Oven to 350ºF
8x8 inch pan (I used glass), lightly greased.


  • 1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
  • teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon, gently rounded
  • 1/4 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice 
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • cup packed dark brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup butter or margarine, room temperature
  • egg, at room temperature
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla (I used imitation)

  • Topping:

  • 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
  • 2 teaspoons cinnamon

  • 1) Combine flour, baking powder, rounded teaspoon of cinnamon, pie spice and salt in a small bowl, stir to mix them together.
    2) Put softened butter and brown sugar in a mixer, or use a hand mixer (or you own super arm strength and a spoon, you rebel) and mix at low/medium speed for 3 minutes. Mixture should be well combined and slightly fluffy

    3) To this fluffy mixture add your egg and beat for about 10 seconds then add the vanilla. Beat until smooth (30 seconds?) I used imitation vanilla, if you are using real vanilla decrease the amount to 1 teaspoon.
    4) Next add the flour mixture in 1/4 cup at a time or so. Make sure the flour is mostly blended in before the next addition. I let my mixer run on low the whole time I was adding the flour with a giant serving spoon. 1/4 cup measures aren't necessary, just don't dump it all in at once okay? That is way more hassle than is needed!

    5) Once everything is all nice and blended, pour/scrape/dump the batter (which will look VERY cookie doughish) into your prepared pan.
    6)You're going to need to spread the dough out, rather like brownie batter dough but slightly more recalcitrant. You can use an oiled spoon/spatula, your hands, or an ungreased rubber spatula if you like to lick have children/husbands who like to like tools afterward.

    7) Combine the remaining cinnamon and sugar in a small bowl and sprinkle evenly over batter, like so. You'll probably end up using half or so.......

    Unless you're me, and use it all. I highly recommend using it all. Plus some.
    8) Bake for 30 minutes at 350ºF. Sides will rise slightly and blondies are done when toothpick in center comes out almost clean. Cool for about an hour.

    I somehow didn't manage to take an after picture. Hm. It looks almost exactly the same though.
    After about 45 minutes we started eating this with forks. I'm not sure what kind of shelf like it has, as it rarely lasts more than a few days! Once cooled, store tightly covered or in a sealed bag.