11.16.2016

feeling all the things


There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I felt nothing at all. I knew the lack emotion should have been concerning, I should have been scared as hell that I wasn't feeling anything.

The thing was, I was beyond the place where I could even care about caring.

It should have been terrifying.

Now I long for it. I thought feeling nothing had to be the worst thing, but I was wrong. Feeling everything is so much worse.

Since our ill-fated election I am seeing sides of people that I don't understand. People I have known most, if not my whole life. People I share blood with. There is bigotry pouring from their mouths and fingers. Their words are hateful and small-minded. And I feel sick. All the time. I spend every day on the verge of tears. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to feel all the things. I miss the days of darkness.

 Today, someone (whom I won't name) posted on facebook that if you raised your child to be afraid of things that are already happening , because they "aren't just since the election" then your kid is a wuss and should have his "ass whooped". How about maybe teaching your kids the value of empathy. Maybe teach them that hate crimes, done in anyone's name, are not okay. Maybe teach them to stand up to bullies instead of just spewing rhetoric about how there isn't a problem.

Maybe teach them to empathize with people, to accept all people as their peers. I am afraid. I said it. I am afraid that good friends and family of mine are going to be targets for hate crimes. Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Black, Mexican, Persian, Jewish, Muslims, Transgendered....I know and love people from each of these walks of life. They were always targets for hate crimes. Now, there seems to be understanding in recent weeks that it is OKAY to not only target, but to attack these people.

It's never okay.

How do I get past to bigotry, racism, and intolerance? Why should I have to?

My own mother asked me if my Iranian physician was a US citizen. One, what business is it of yours? And two, I'm going to go with pretty sure she would have to be to have an American medical license. And three, I don't care either way.

I miss not feeling anything. I miss not being able to feel hurt by people's words.

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